Does she know how she looks when she smiles like that? It’s like a sun, a curly-haired red sun, growing lips and shining on me. I don’t know. Can’t really put it into words. Still, that wasn’t a bad attempt. Kinda poetic. My old Advanced Lit lecturer would be proud, though I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t approve of my inspiration. She does have me on the verge of a Law break. But I can’t stop. I can’t quit. But I already knew seeing her again was a bad idea.
“Stars, Teo… I really want to see it! Just once! It would make my cycle!”
“That’s a lot of pressure on one Catfish,” I said, being as casual as I could be.
“I suppose…” she hummed, while I watched her lips vibrate. I looked away, to the sun in the sky. From the top of The Bowl you could see so much of the sea surrounding Uji. Mirroring the sunset in waves. Still, no matter how scenic it was, I kept wanting to look back. At her. The smiling sun I was drawn to. Nykia Nykia. “Now I wish they never told me,” I heard her sigh. “Waiting for it sucks…”
“Yeah, I get that,” I nodded, since I knew how it felt to wait for something that might never happen. I was practically an expert. With my cycle of experience, I could give a lecture on it. Something like: waiting for your childhood friend to become an adult without making it weird. Though on second thought, with the huge risk I’m taking today, it’s probably too early to call myself a success. But I’m coping. Even if it’s getting harder, being around her. In any case, whatever it takes, I have to remind myself why I’m doing it.
It all goes back to when I turned adult. Just like any other fifteen-cycle-old on their last day of school, I spent the whole morning taking finals. As usual, the younger cycles were waiting outside the exam hall. It was tradition to cause a fuss for the graduating birth group. Make banners. Swap gifts. I’d even been part of the send off for my seniors the cycle before. So naturally, I got my hopes up when I stepped outside to see Nykia. Already waiting for me.
No banner though. No gift either. I’ll admit, I was a little disappointed. Either way, I was glad she came with her friends to see me off. Her mate Tedi traded me a packet of dried berries for all my Advanced Literature textbooks, and her other friend Della slipped me her land lot number. I added it to the pocketful of notes I’d gotten from other girls that day. Nykia though, she only gave me a hug. A strong, long hug. One of the best hugs I’d ever had.
Better still, when she pulled away she mumbled something about meeting up. Outside of school, somewhere, since we wouldn’t be in diving club together anymore. Hearing those mumbles made me, stupid happy. Though I didn’t know why back then. At the time I reasoned it felt like she really was giving me a gift - in her own way. The gift, the promise of a friendship outside of our childhood. So you can bet, I took that gift with open arms.
We decided on The Bowl for meet ups. Nykia said she visited around sunset most days, but she explained she didn’t expect me to show up nearly as often. Which I didn’t mind doing, but since she assumed I’d be busy with new-adulthood I made an effort to fill up my calendar. So I gave myself a full eight to be an adult. Aqua clubs. Alcohol. Vapour. Wager-games. You name it, I’d tested it out with my mate Dahved. All that stuff though, the exploration, the thrill of new-adulthood, it got old real fast.
After a few late nights I was already bored. It was laughable, really. Here I was at the start of my life, clubbing, drinking, betting until the 88th hour, and the only thought in my head before hibernation was my old diving club. How much I missed going. I reckoned it was weird at first. Until I realised - I wasn’t missing pool water and splashing. No, I got enough of that at aqua clubs. What I really missed, was the girl I used to splash with.
Anyway. I tried to focus on new-adulthood, all the same I kept thinking of my old club mate. Involuntarily remembering her. Her energy. Her full-bodied laugh. The moment she hugged me on the last day of school. I started to anticipate it. Seeing her again. Feeling her squeezing arms, and her hair in my face, and softly inhaling the way she smelled. To tell the truth, I had nothing planned but the meet-up I was gonna surprise her with. But even my expectations, high as they were, didn’t prepare me for when I saw her next.
The tenth day after turning adult I showed up at The Bowl. Right on cue with the sunset too, though I couldn’t tell you what colours the sky made. I didn’t have time to notice. As soon as I saw her, perched on the edge of the rocks, staring into the sky as pink and orange hues washed her skin, the vision was burned into me. She outshone everything. The sight of her, glaring. So much so I still remember it. Her colour. Set to maximum brightness.
Her red hair was streaked with gold highlights from the sun. Her jumper patterned, electric blue with purple overstitch. Her shorts were a vivid white against her brown skin, and her knee-high socks were yellow with white straps that had little pink flowers dotting the borders. None of it matched. But it all came together. I stood there, staring at her for a while before she noticed me, and when she looked my way after over an eight of us being apart - it was like, direct eye-contact with the sun.
When I sat on the rocks beside her I kept my distance. To tell the truth I was scared of my own reaction. I was half convinced I’d slipped and hit my head on the hike up The Bowl, though after Nykia started talking it became obvious I was overreacting. I heard her mumbles without issue. Actually, her utterances reached me with new clarity. Her laughter coated my eager ears. It was, soothing. Like a gentle heat. It even made me smile.
I’d caught myself with the grin on my face, but I’d let it stay there. Nykia had gone on catching me up with school gossip, and while I watched her snort over the details in her stories I wondered how I’d been so oblivious before. It was true, I knew she was pretty. I was aware of that. But my stars, now I could feel it. Her beauty, its gravitational pull - that day I acknowledged its hold on me. The same hold I’d been subject to for cycles.
I realised, I’d been drawn to Nykia from the first time we’d met. She was wandering in the halls of our intermediate school, and I remembered thinking she must’ve been pretty dense to still be getting lost on her fourth day. But when I’d offered her directions, she’d faced me with a smile so bright - it was stunning. That was it. I was pulled in. I became adamant I make her my friend. I signed up to diving club just to get close to her. Even so, I never understood where that pull to be near her came from.
I have no idea what on Uji brought it into focus - right then, right there. Maybe it was turning fifteen. Maybe what everyone said was true, and adulthood really did change things. I don’t know. No idea. But sitting besides her that day, for the first time in my life, the thought actually occurred to me: I’m attracted to her. A second after that, I felt heat. My cheeks went hot, my forehead burned.
Nykia was still talking, but I could barely focus. So I looked away. Sweating. It didn’t take long for her to notice something was up - but lucky for me she was bad at reading Korainians, so all she could do was try and guess what was wrong. Her guesses were way off. They were so off, they made me laugh. Which made her laugh. When I had noticed her laughing, her head flung back, her curls bouncing with her shoulders, I’d felt it. That pull.
My hand lifted. I wanted to touch her. Hug her again. The pull was irresistible - and when my palm finally met her shoulder, exposed by the overstretched-neck of her oversized jumper, I felt her skin. Warm. So warm. She was, hot. I held on long after Nykia’s laughter quietened. Eventually she looked my way. At my hand. On her. Gripping her. She’d given me a smile, a lifted brow, amused and confused by my lingering grasp. But I had no explanation. I didn’t know what I was feeling. Until she twisted her lips.
Then, clarity. It was her lips. They were the centre. They pulled me in. The space between us lost meaning. I didn’t understand why it was there - why I was letting it stay - why I hadn’t already closed the gap. I wanted nothing more than nothing between us. To touch her - yes - that’s what I wanted. The warmth of her body on mine, the heated sensation of skin-to-skin contact. Her hand to my hand. Her chest to my chest. Her lips to my lips.
Kiss. That’s what it was - that desire - I wanted to kiss her, but I didn’t know how. The thought lit up my mind with flashes. Imaginings. The feel of her chin in my palm. Her twisted lips touching mine. Her arms enclosing around me. Tightly. I’d never wanted to be consumed by something so much in my life. Her gravity. Her heat. I wanted to give into it. To heed her pull and smell and grip her. To have her. Closer. Somehow. Deeper than I’d ever been with anyone else.
Looking back, stars I was naive. I hadn’t read the Adulthood Handbook yet, so I let myself stay in the feelings I had. Not realising what they were. To this day I wonder what Nykia made of me during that meet-up. I barely spoke, I was sweating buckets, and I kept leaning towards her like a dizzy drunkard. Lucky I was too weak-willed to go through with anything - because when I made it home that evening, and cracked open my Adulthood Handbook in search of answers, I finally got my head around it all.
In one sitting, I read the whole handbook. Cover to cover. Twice. My blood was pumping so fast while I studied the lettering that I swear on the stars I could’ve had a heart attack. Even during the paragraphs of statutes and listings of procedures I couldn’t calm down. I worked things out, chapter by chapter, and I realised what I’d nearly done. What I still wanted to do. How everything I felt - was illegal.
Nykia was a child. I was not. I even had the adult-mark to remind me. But I’d forgotten. True, we had been in school together just an eight before then - but I’d spent the time drinking and vaping, and she’d spent the hours sleeping through children’s hibernation. She was a girl. I knew that. She spent our whole meet-up telling me about her day at school. I felt shame. Utterly. Shame for my attraction to her lips, and her body, and her warmth - especially now I understood what feeling her meant.
The chapter on intimacy revealed all my unknown motives. I was disgusted with myself by the end of it. I was never one for talking to the stars, but that night I kneeled at my window and wished upon them all. I asked, begged, for forgiveness. Then I promised - I would stay away from Nykia. I would keep my distance. I would fight the pull. I would protect her, until she understood my desire. Until she was mature enough to reciprocate it. I would wait for her to want me before I ever revealed I wanted her - and if she never did, then, so be it.
I spent the next two eights doing what I was supposed to do. Club, drink, vape, another club. Club, drink, vape, another club. If I had an imagining of Nykia, I drank it away. If I even thought the girl’s name, I distracted myself with a woman. I guess that’s how I ended up being intimate with Emilia. It wasn’t in pursuit of anyone - it was the avoidance of someone else. Though to be honest, I was in denial about it for a while.
When I finally admitted I was technically dating Emilia, it must’ve been halfway through my third eight as an adult. Emilia was a girl - a woman - an age mate from my school days. We even used to sit a few seats apart in Advanced Lit class. Dahved knew her too, and her friend Jayne, so whenever we bumped into them while clubbing it was easy for us to get talking. Reminiscing. And that’s how it started. Coincidental meet-ups.
It wasn’t long before we were planning regular outings. Dahved and Jayne were coupled pretty early on, but I took a bit longer to warm up to Emilia - for obvious reasons. She was pretty though. She had long black hair, down to her waist, and she didn’t press it straight like most Blackscale girls. I’ll admit, I liked that. She was a good dancer too, and she did her best to make me feel alright about my two-left-feet. Not that it was the most important thing either, but when she moved her body to a beat, her hips did things that - interested me.
There was attraction there. Definitely. But she’d already been outshone. With the frame of reference I had I knew the pull I felt towards Emilia was barely a tug. Still I stuck with it, hoping things would change. Hoping she’d pull me in. Maybe I was wrong to. But in my defence, I didn’t know any better. Actually, I’d say it wasn’t even my fault. By the time I realised how deep I was into Nykia, Emilia was already deep into me.
On the morning it started to become clear, funnily enough, I was recovering from the worst double-vision of my life. Dahved and I were downstairs in the kitchen, recapping the previous night in a panic. We knew we’d stumbled back to my house drunk, like we normally did after a big night out since my parents were more lenient than his - but this time, we brought home baggage. Upstairs, steaming up the house, utilising the guest shower, Emilia and Jayne were busy rinsing off the cosmetics from the night none of us could remember.
We had some info from my parents. That morning, my Father had startled me and Dahved awake. Banging on the door seconds after hibernation lifted. He ordered me downstairs, which was weird since he usually let us sleep in. When I finally got down to the kitchen Mother had her disappointed face on, then Father joined in - and judging from their unanimous front I quickly gathered I’d messed up.
Your behaviour is unacceptable, they said. Your familial home is a sanctuary, they went on. They were in total agreement with each other. Which was unusual for them. I’d asked why they were so upset, since I couldn’t recall what I’d done. In reply, they gave me a detailed lecture before heading off to work. Turns out Dahved and I had come back to mine an hour before hibernation, barreling through the front door, arm-in-arm with Emilia and Jayne.
We were all drunk, so that made us pretty useless at answering the questions my parents attempted to issue. I eventually got round to summarising that Emilia and Jayne were mine and Dahved’s ‘women’, and they needed somewhere to stay for the night. Understandably my parents were livid. Still, they couldn’t abandon a pair of drunken new-adults on their doorstep, so they let Emilia and Jane in.
Mother said she was vibrating with anger while she set up the guest room. Clearly she was annoyed she had to lend Emilia and Jayne her nice dressing gowns. Father even fell into hibernation in the hallway after spending the night a barrier between me and Dahved, and Emilia and Jayne. Which seemed dumb. Until he explained it was because we kept running in-between the guest room and my bedroom like unruly kids, playing some game called Lip Chase. So, yeah - chaperoning the drunk intimacy-driven new-adults made sense.
Once my parents left for work I ran upstairs to confirm it all - and there they were. Emilia and Jayne, unconscious on the guest room waterbed wearing my mother’s lace and floral silk gowns. I’d shut the door quietly, tiptoed back into my room, and yanked Dahved awake by the tail of his hair. We tried to put things together for a little while, but before we got anywhere Emilia and Jayne woke up and interrupted us to ask about a shower.
I showed them the bathroom, even gave them a change of clothes from my wardrobe. Then, Dahved and I saw Emilia and Jayne off at the door. It was awkward - and we all knew why. None of us knew how far we’d gone the previous night. If my parents stories of Lip Chases were anything to go by, the wine had us feeling a little more affectionate than usual. Only stars knew what happened before we were under parental supervision. Either way, we really had to figure it out.
Dahved and I went over it. Things started to come back to us. He’d definitely kissed Jayne, and I was half-certain I’d kissed Emilia. But then it all went black and his guess was as good as mine. Worst case scenario, we’d been intimate with them. Somewhere. And forgotten. Up until that point I’d been pretty well-distracted, but the second I realised I might’ve had my first try without knowing - even more, that I might have already found my Soulmate - I couldn’t hold back the blinding reality.
I didn’t want it to be Emilia. Stars may judge me for what came next, but I instantly thought of Nykia. Although I remembered my promise to keep my distance, I also remembered why. I had to stay away from her because the way I felt was too strong. I couldn’t control myself. Yet still, knowing all that, knowing it was wrong for me to acknowledge the feelings, I recognised - I still wanted her. That was how I felt. Regardless of Law.
Admittedly, I panicked. According to Dahved - I got hysterical. I don’t remember it like that, but it definitely all came out at once. I confessed I didn’t want Emilia to be my Soulmate. That I wanted someone else. Then I admitted it. Aloud. I’d said, I get Nykia’s not an adult yet, but I can’t stop liking her! Next thing I knew, I was declaring I wanted to test my luck - that I was gonna wait to test my luck - with a girl. Like a proper insane man.
But Dahved, Dahved Roiyor, that guy proved himself my mate that day. He sat opposite me at the kitchen counter, and he let me go through the whole rant. Without interrupting. When I was done he didn’t shame me. He didn’t say one thing about the illegality of my feelings. Instead, he gave me the best advice I’d ever heard. He said - its your choice if you wanna wait forever for a chance, but without a plan it’s a waste of time.
It goes without saying I needed to hear that. The rest of that day - straight plotting. Point one, figure out if I really did glow with Emilia. That meant point two, I was gonna have to be intimate with her. Point three, planning when and where. Dahved even dialled a few of his coworkers from his part-time bartending job, asking them how and where they tested their luck. Which was a good idea, since I didn’t need another lecture from my parents about the sanctity of the familial home.
Eventually, he found out about something called an Intimacy Inn. The inns were a collection of rent-by-the-night rooms, professionally kept, built for Korainians who wanted to test their luck without annoying their parents. There were two in the city. One on the westside, one on the east. We dialled the one in the west first, but when they told me the prices I thought they were having a laugh. So I scoffed. Then the receptionist hung up.
Dahved dialled the one in the east. He did better than me. The prices were way more reasonable too, and when he mentioned it was our first time they waived the deposit and cleaning fee. My man. He booked us two rooms. One for him and Jayne, one for me and Emilia. We dialled our age mates up afterwards, telling them the plan, and being in the same boat as us they didn’t need any convincing.
The next night, I got dressed in something semi-casual, headed downstairs, and told my parents where I was going until morning. No details with who, though. They hadn’t been too surprised, so they must’ve known it was coming. My Father already had a speech about maturity and manhood prepared - though he said it all while chopping onions, pretending like he wasn’t tearing up. Meanwhile, Mother grabbed the framed photo-capture of me as a baby from the hallway side-table and stared into it. So yeah, great sendoff. Still no banner though.
I left my house three hours before hibernation kicked in. It was weird, going out around the time I usually came in. Being totally sober at the 85th hour was kinda new for me too. Still, I walked into the city instead of taking the shuttle. Mostly because I was worried about getting anything gross on me. Plus I needed the fresh air. I even took it as a chance to think over the rest of the plan I’d decided on the previous day.
In my head, I was working on point four. That was what my first time at an Intimacy Inn with Emilia was supposed to be about. In retrospect it wasn’t very deep of me to plan it the way I did, but Dahved and I really did rationalise it all at the time. If Emilia was my Soulmate, then the rest of the plan was off. Obviously. But if she wasn’t - and for the sake of the plan we really had to assume so - then that meant I had the perfect opportunity to do something most guys didn’t get to do. Practice.
The whole point of point four, was practice. Dahved had told me that Grayson, this annoying guy we used to go to school with, had already tested his luck with a couple women. Since we were only five eights into new-adulthood, Dahved thought it was an achievement. Whatever. I guess the guy did give us some useful secondhand info - because even though the Adulthood Handbook described it all really clearly, even though the diagrams marked everything off, according to Grayson it wasn’t so straightforward.
Dahved had dialled Grayson as part of our planning session. He’d put him on loudspeaker, so I heard everything. Grayson said, and I quote, intimacy is majorly tricky man. Stars, the guy was a fish. But the fish made good points. I didn’t know anything about intimacy. I’d never kissed a woman before. Or, maybe I had. But since I couldn’t be sure either way, my experience tallied to an embarrassing zero.
So I’ll admit, I took notes. The notes even became part of the plan. By the time I finally got to the Intimacy Inn, Dahved was already waiting for Jayne. He’d bought her flowers, and I remembered thinking that was a good idea for him. A little predictable maybe, but Dahved was a strait-laced Koranian - and unlike me he actually had feelings for who he was testing his luck with. He was wishing for the best, while I was wishing the opposite.
It was around then that things started to feel a little - wrong. I sat in the lobby of the Intimacy Inn next to Dahved and his flowers, waiting for Emilia and Jayne to show up, but no matter what I did the weird shape of the sofa just wasn’t letting me sit comfortably. It felt like a bad sign. On the stars, I was probably a minute away from backing out of the whole thing. But then, in some weird cosmic alignment of events, Emilia and Jayne arrived just in time. And they both looked -  I mean, I couldn’t put it into words if I tried.
That was the first time I really got what it meant to have intimate thoughts, because they came instantly when I saw Emilia that night. To tell the truth, it made me feel a little dumb for being so hard on myself about Nykia. My fleeting imaginings of her were timid, childish, in comparison to the ideas that flashed my mind when Emilia stepped through those doors in a low-cut dress. When I looked Dahved’s way, he confirmed what I was thinking with the look in his own eyes. We really were about to be intimate - with actual, women.
The rest of it was a blur. I was so nervous when Emilia followed me into the intimacy suite that my vision actually went dark for a second. I don’t remember looking around, since I’m pretty sure I didn’t even know the place had a bathroom until the second time I visited the inn. That first time, though. That first time was something else. I became sure it was the first time too - because once it was over, I was positive I would’ve remembered otherwise.
I couldn’t have imagined anything close to what intimacy was like. Firstly, kissing. Man, I really hadn’t known lips were that soft. And you can taste the other person. Literally, taste them. I don’t know what happens inside your body when you kiss another living, breathing, being, but it does something to you. You get lightheaded. Dizzy. It’s different to being drunk, but the chemical surge is just as strong. Even more, it’s only the beginning. It’s just the start. Because once you get into the motions of kissing - you do not slow down.
I didn’t want to stop, and neither did she. So things progressed. They picked up rhythm. I gripped her, she gripped me. I kissed her, she kissed me. It happened in revolutions. Back and forth. Give and take. I don’t remember what she said when she gave me permission. I don’t remember how I found a position. I only remember the pull. Then, there was no distance between us. She pulled. I pushed. Push and pull. Push. Pull.
The friction was maddening, each compression like a compounding itch. The itch was exasperating. Persistent. Nagging. I wanted to shut it up, so I pushed harder. And it somehow felt, better. And better. And better. And - and. Snap. Rupture. The sensation made me spasm and jut. Yet the heat that was pulled from me, it suctioned me in, and it was so - it was so, so. Words escape me. But sensations like that? They don’t have the right to last so long.
It’s a roll-your-head-back, I’ve been trying to hit that spot for a cycle, kinda release. Stars, it surely should’ve taken seconds. Yet it lasted - minutes. It was like I snuck a shameless detour just for myself. Hanging back. Staying a little longer in the best feeling ever. Wherever I went during that wandering sensation, it was somewhere sense couldn’t get to me. Along that offshoot of relief my every muscle unclenched, my mind too. I’d never felt so relaxed. Maybe that’s why the words slipped out.
When I opened my eyes from the trip I saw - Emilia. Honestly it was a shock. Probably to her too, since I’d said another female’s name seconds earlier. Of course physically I knew it was her. Yet the second we started being intimate, my mind went elsewhere. I completely forgot who I was with. Where I’d been. Which made me embarrassed about everything. My thoughts. My intentions. My technique. I’d done poorly, surely. Every tip I’d noted from Grayson? Hadn’t used a single one. To this day, I don’t know if Emilia enjoyed it at all.
I didn’t check with her either, I was too nervous she’d ask me to repeat what I’d said. The name that came out of me while I was going into her. But she definitely heard it. So I just, stayed there. Staring down at her while she stared up at me. We gave it a couple minutes, but her hair didn’t glow. I got the feeling neither of us were surprised. Still, I apologised. Technically, the apology was for my inability to make her glow - a traditional saying. But in reality, I was apologising for a lot more than that.
Emilia got up, got changed, and left the intimacy suite to go and wait outside Jayne and Dahved’s room. They took a whole twenty-eight minutes longer. Dahved knocked on my door, that’s how I knew it was over, and when I opened up to let him in I looked down the hall and saw Emilia and Jayne. Hugging and crying. So clearly he was unsuccessful too. It was a crappy night. Dahved and I shared my room, head to foot on the waterbed, and by the time we left the next morning Emilia and Jayne were already gone.
That was that. It sucked. Of course I wanted to be intimate again. Stars, I was obsessed with the feeling. How it worked. How it could be improved. Still at the same time, I felt guilty about my first try. About Emilia. How I treated her. The guilt pretty much put me off the idea of trying again, with anyone. So another eight of adulthood went by, and nothing changed. Until she dialled.
My mother had called me out of my room one evening, some random day on my sixth week of adulthood. I’d been wallowing for the last few eighty-eight hours, reading some Korainian classic. A tragedy tale. Like my life. I’d gone downstairs thinking we were having an early dinner, but when I realised my Father wasn’t home, and saw my Mother waiting at the kitchen table with the home phone, I’d been pretty confused. Then she’d said five words I’d never thought I’d hear. Nykia is on the phone.
I’m embarrassed to even think about the way I smiled. I thought I’d crack my face with how wide my grin spread. I even ran over. No reservation. Meanwhile, my Mother watched me the whole time. I grinned, and laughed, and practically hugged myself imagining her arms while we talked. To tell the truth I was so excited I can’t even remember what she spoke about. We didn’t even get to chat for long, since she was dialling from an information box, but stars I lived inside those ten minutes.
Just before the dial ended she said something cute. I know you’re an adult now… you probably have better stuff to do… but I still go to The Bowl at sunset if you ever want to meet up. Stars, hearing those words. I wanted to tell her the truth. I have nothing better to do, Nykia. I just wanna see you. But with my Mother watching, and the adult-mark stamped onto my wrist staring back at me, I only replied with something vague. Then I hung up.
Mother was onto me. She knew. She never said anything specific, since we were both aware the way I clearly felt about Nykia was borderline illegal. Actually illegal. Instead, she patted me on the head and casually reminded me there were five eights until my birth day. I got what she meant right away. Matter of fact, it was exactly the encouragement I needed. Because five eights wasn’t really that far away. Yeah, I could wait for that distance to close.
For the next couple eights Nykia dialled me every day. She made it a habit to stop by an Information Box on the way back from diving club, so I felt it was only fair I make it a habit to wait by the phone. The dials were good. I could talk to her. Hear her laugh. Safely. The distance didn’t bother me either, I even accepted it. It set boundaries. Kept things age-appropriate, since we mostly spoke about school and her friends.
Hearing Della’s name always made me chuckle, since I couldn’t help but remember the heart-inked note she’d slipped me on my last day of school. Hearing Tedi’s name though, it began to annoy me. Nykia kept mentioning him more. And more. She even started to call him her, best friend. Whatever that was. I asked her what that made the rest of us. So she clarified Della was her oldest friend, while I was her good friend. I’ll admit that really hurt.
Anyway, I didn’t wanna waste the few minutes a day I had with her - so I got smart by directing conversation away from the other guy. It was about dialogue. Restricting vocabulary. If I gave minimal answers, Nykia always asked for details. It kept her focused on me. I liked having her focus. Around then, I finally realised I’d been trying to attract her attention for cycles. Even back in school I used to think of interesting things to say before we spoke. So clearly, I’d been attempting to get her to like me long before I totally understood why.
I knew I had to keep that going. For four and a half more eights, I had to keep her focused on me. I wasn’t sure how long our daily phone dials would last. But Nykia kept talking about The Bowl, so I got the feeling she really wanted to meet up. Plus she occasionally mentioned how she kept inexplicably running out of funds. I don’t think she realised how expensive Information Boxes were. Pretty cute, if you ask me.
Still, I refused to meet up. I gave excuses. I have something tomorrow, I’d say. I could tell she was getting disheartened. But I couldn’t risk it. I was aware of what the back-to-back home dials were doing to me. The pull I felt towards her, it was growing stronger. I even noticed I was getting borderline-inappropriate. I started asking details to feel closer. Where are you? So I could imagine the glass box she was in. What can you see? So I could pretend I was standing next to her. How you feeling after club? So I could hear detailed descriptions.
She’d say her core was still tight after coach’s training exercises. Or that her legs were tired after laps. She’d complain over her wet hair, while I’d smile at the image of her dripping pool water all over the Information Box. Sometimes she’d admit she didn’t bother to change out of her swimming costume after practice. That one, dangerous territory - I tended to switch topics after that. Those conversations, though. They reinvigorated me. Life even felt enjoyable again, whenever I was in contact with Nykia.
When we weren’t talking I was thinking about her. Of course, nothing intimate. I was serious about keeping my mind far from that headspace. But I did reflect on the gift she’d given me on my last day at school. The promise of a friendship outside childhood. I started to think about all the new-adult stuff I’d eventually get to introduce her to - and that idea, of being the first to show her all those things, got me excited.
One day, we were talking. She mentioned Adulthood Prep class. She said she’d started taking them that eight, since it was compulsory for every Korainian once their fifteenth was less than a third-of-a-cycle away. Surprisingly, she had mentioned Soulmates. I’d never heard her say the word aloud before then. Nykia was kinda immature like that, always avoiding stuff about adulthood. But that day, she began the conversation.
Weird, I thought - since she started off by quoting statistics. It was unexpected. I hadn’t spent much time theorising how Nykia would transition into adulthood, but I definitely would not have bet she’d go in from a logical perspective. She had a lot of rhetorical questions. And they were good questions. They even made me think. All her questions though, they came together in a query I wasn’t prepared to answer - Isn’t it strange they don’t… you know… teach us how intimacy works?
The question was so big I choked on my reply. What was I supposed to say? The Age Appropriate Law made it pretty clear I wasn’t allowed to explain it to her. I didn’t even know if it was safe to say The Adulthood Handbook would eventually give her some answers. Still, I knew intimacy wasn’t anything that could be taught. It had to be experienced. Even more, the experience depended pretty heavily on who you were experiencing it with - because if it was bad, you could end up crying in the hallway of an Intimacy Inn.
Then I noticed. Nykia had said ‘us’.  She had said they don’t teach ‘us’ how intimacy works. She was assuming I didn’t know. She was assuming I hadn’t figured it out. Well, to be honest I hadn’t. At that point I was convinced I was bad at it, and when I recognised I felt that way I also remembered where the idea came from. My first try with Emilia. Immediately, I panicked. I didn’t want Nykia to know, that I knew. So I stupidly let her think I didn’t.
After that dial, reality hit me. Nykia was less than four eights from adulthood. The distance was closing. She’d surprised me with a question I wasn’t ready for - which proved I clearly wasn’t ready for her. That was when Dahved’s advice from eights ago came back to me. In a flash, I remembered. Point four. What I did next, I’m not proud of. But like Dahved said, waiting for a chance was pointless if I didn’t plan to take it.
I should’ve seen it as a warning when Emilia instantly agreed. I should’ve been skeptical. I should’ve wondered why this woman would meet me at the eastside Intimacy Inn, especially after our first experience. If I’d asked myself those questions I would’ve understood Emilia’s perspective, and I wouldn’t have done what I did. But I assumed. I assumed, because we weren’t soulmates, she knew what that meant. We were never going to get serious.
For our second stay at the Intimacy Inn we met up early, so we had extra hours before hibernation. I wanna say we were intimate three times. Could’ve been more, depending on how you count. That time around I wasn’t blindsided by the sensation. I knew what was coming, where I was going, so I could focus on how to get there. How long it took me to get there. How much Emilia enjoyed the detour.
The next stay, I finally used the tips Grayson suggested. I hate to admit it, but the fish was right. Women really were different to men. The motions I preferred didn’t excite Emilia the way they did me, so I learned to switch it up. Keep things interesting for the both of us. I knew I was getting better when I realised I didn’t have to guess if she was enjoying herself. So, yeah - I felt pretty good about myself when I checked out the morning after that one.
The fourth stay, I had a target. One long session. It was the ultimate test-run for me. What I planned to do if I actually got the chance I wanted. During that stay I took my time. I kissed her slowly. I made her wait. Held back. Until she asked. That was when I realised. Intimacy is, varied. There were all sorts you could have. Different kinds of detours. The winding, meandering kind - that was my favourite. Simply because of the way Emilia responded to it. Like she hoped it would never end.
That was the effect I wanted to have on a woman - it was way better than the shame I once felt watching Emilia quickly get dressed before running away. She even lingered the next morning. Actually, we both did. Usually we washed up in the separate bathrooms as soon as we woke from hibernation, before heading downstairs to split the in-suite dining bill. That time though, in the morning, she rolled awake - and on top of me. I understood then, why the Intimacy Inn gives two hours after hibernation to check out. Morning intimacy. Who knew.
We spent the rest of the morning together. Honestly, most of that day. We checked out, but then Emilia said she was hungry - and since I’d worked up an appetite too I suggested we get breakfast. Then lunch. Then early dinner. I really was enjoying her company. Our friendship. I didn’t think anything else of it. It was like hanging out with Dahved, but with the benefits of regular intimacy. A great setup, I thought. Until Emilia went ahead and defined it.
I still remember I had a mouthful of seaweed wrap when she said it. Being in a fling is deep, way more fun than I thought it would be! Yeah, I can’t eat seaweed wraps anymore. Every time I see those stupid dark-green wafers stuffed with salmon and rice it makes me remember Emilia’s face all over again. Her shock, her vexation, her embarrassment when I replied - who said we’re in a fling?
I don’t know what I was thinking. I wasn’t, I guess. So I got defensive. Emilia and I had an argument right there, in the middle of the cliffside restaurant we were dining at. I remember feeling confused at the time, wondering why she was so upset about my reply. From my point of view I was being factual. I had never said we were a fling, and she hadn’t mentioned it before then, so how was I supposed to know what she presumed?
It seemed insane, and I was annoyed. Genuinely annoyed. I was angered that she had expressed herself. I didn’t want to know that she felt differently from me, because it cracked open my compartmentalisation. It forced me to realise that what we were doing, the way we were behaving, would be interpreted as something definitive - and if it had a definition, that meant it could be explained. Would have to be explained. At some point - to Nykia.
We both calmed down when a server came to ask if everything was alright. It clearly wasn’t, but Emilia forced a smile and I nodded politely. I paid for the food, Emilia paid for the drinks, then we went our separate ways. When I got home my Mother was wearing her disappointed face. She knew where I’d been, and since I’d come home so late she guessed what I’d been busy doing.
She didn’t lecture me though. Mother was too deep for that. Instead, she just said one thing. One thing that really got to me. You missed Nykia’s dial. Stars. I think I cried myself into hibernation that night. At the very least I know for sure I cried the night after - because Nykia, she didn’t dial the next day. Or the following day. By the third day without contact it felt like the world was ending. Like the sun had stopped rising. Yeah, it was a little dramatic.
Looking back now, I recognise what my problem was. What it still is. Nykia is all I have to look forward to. As an adult, I have the funds and freedom to do whatever I want. But I’m bored. So yeah, I can admit it. There’s nothing I want to do besides test my luck with her. I accepted that, during those days without contact. I reaffirmed it. So what if I wanted Nykia Nykia more than anything else in my life? Maybe it was a dumb thing to strive for. One woman. Still, it was only dumb if I didn’t have a reason. But I have a reason.
Nykia is my soulmate. I first thought that the start of my ninth eight as an adult. The idea had never occurred to me before then. Soulmates were always a weird concept. I never got them. But when I thought about how I felt towards Nykia - when I admitted the inescapable attraction I had to her - it finally made sense. She was my Soulmate. I felt that. Still do. So when I finally realised how deeply my emotions ran, I decided not to say it out loud. To keep it to myself. Because Mother always told me, wishes said aloud don’t come true.
I relaxed after I came to that conclusion. I felt assured. No, assured isn’t the right word. Resolved, I guess. I didn’t know anything about how Soulmates worked. I didn’t know how The Universe decided on things. But I did know how I felt, and I was confident about that. Nykia really was my soulmate. Still, I had to ensure she felt the same about me. I had to give myself that chance to prove it to her. Point four of the plan was done. I’d practiced. I knew what I had to do now. Take my time. Make her wait. Hold back - until she asked.
So I didn’t contact Nykia. Sure, I looked her up in the land lot book. Had a pretty good idea where she lived too. There were only two Nykia’s on record, and the houses were a few streets apart - but I didn’t dial her. Nykia was gonna dial me. She’d reached out before. Why? Because she liked me. I knew she did, even if she didn’t realise it yet. I just had to be patient. I wasn’t going to be one of those guys that jumped her the second she turned adult. Nykia wouldn’t like that. She was deep, and that kinda approach was predictably shallow.
Admittedly, I was nervous. But I held out. And I was rewarded. At the end of my ninth eight of adulthood, there was a ring that echoed through my familial home. My Mother answered the dial - and when she finally called me to the phone, her smile was bigger than mine. When she passed the handset she gave me the one-fingered hand gesture signifying good luck. I didn’t think I needed luck, but I still gestured back just in case.
Hey, I’d said. It was perfect. Nykia even stuttered over the dial. Now she was the one that wasn’t prepared. I noticed she seemed way more hesitant than usual. Honestly, I felt kinda bad for her. I could tell she found the nearing adulthood initiation and inauguration unnerving. She even started the dial by announcing she hadn’t yet received her invite to The Jump, before joking about how she wished it would get lost in the post. I laughed at that. It was funny. Ironic, for all kinds of reasons.
I let her lead the conversation - until she mentioned Tedi. Then I changed the topic. It was important Nykia forgot about other guys when she was with me. I needed to pull her in, the same way she had me, until she couldn’t help but notice the attraction between us. If I moved, I wanted her to move with me. If I said something, I wanted her to say it back. When I imagined her, I wanted that imagining to be mutual. Point five. Nykia had to realise she wanted me.
She had to realise it in her own time too. It wouldn’t be a good idea to force things. But, I could definitely help it along. So I did. I casually mentioned I wasn’t busy that eight - and straight away, she asked if I wanted to meet up. Yeah. I wanted to meet up. Badly. But I held back. Sure, if I’m in the area. I’d replied with something like that. The response went over well. She was so up for it, I got a little arrogant. Ha. That was really dumb.
At the end of my tenth eight of adulthood I showed up at The Bowl. Right on cue with the sunset too, though I didn’t have time to notice the colours in the sky. Because it happened again. When I saw her, perched on the edge of the rocks, staring into the sky as pink and orange hues washed her skin, the vision burned me. The sight of her was glaring. I was an idiot. A total fish. I forgot. Her colour set to maximum brightness - it easily outshone everything.
I hadn’t been exposed in so long. I should’ve known what would happen. For eights I’d only been imagining her smile. Stars. My mental invention was pathetic in the face of the real thing. When she finally noticed me, and looked my way, I actually dropped my gaze. I couldn’t take her shine. Her heat. Her gravity. Direct eye-contact with the sun I revolved around was far too hot to handle, and way too much to resist - so I didn’t even try.
I sat on the rocks besides her, not keeping my distance as I positioned myself close enough for our shoulders to touch. Even so - even with as desperate as I was to feel her - I wasn’t prepared for what happened next. I didn’t see banners. I didn’t expect a gift. But Nykia was full of surprises, so I got one. A hug. Her arms pulled me in. Her hair brushed my face. Her smell filled my nose. Yeah. Officially - the best hug of my life.
I didn’t want to let go of her. I wanted to stay in the feeling. Take a detour. I couldn’t help it. Couldn’t stop it. Intimate thoughts flashed my mind and I crossed the threshold I promised the stars I wouldn’t - I imagined Nykia like that. I gripped her softly as she hugged me and I let my thoughts wander somewhere they shouldn’t have gone. I knew it was wrong - I knew - but I was in too deep. Way too deep. And I couldn’t pull out.
Stars, I felt the worst - because I gave in. My hand moved down Nykia’s back and I gripped her waist. Luckily, she was so glad to meet up after the eights we’d been apart she didn’t mind the prolonged grasp. You bet I took advantage of that. I readjusted. I squeezed her. Tighter. Then - she squeezed me back. Did she know what she was doing? I guess that was the issue. It wasn’t clear. Surely she wasn’t aware of how something so small - like a strong, long hug - could give a guy ideas. Could give a guy, permission.
I readjusted. Again. This time I put my head by her neck. She was taken aback, I could feel her grip loosen. But I didn’t stop. I pushed myself into her and squeezed again. Then she laughed. Awkwardly. Uh… alright then, she snorted. She was confused. Of course she was. Around that point I started panicking. I didn’t know how to pull back - but the longer I didn’t the more obvious it became. The burning was all over me. I wanted her. Deeply. Intimately. And she was definitely seconds from figuring it out.
So I lied. I straight lied to Nykia. No carefully-worded avoidances, no defensible omissions. For the first time, I simply spoke things that weren’t true. My mouth opened against her neck, and I said whatever I could to keep us close. I told a tale. Sorry - I’d begun - I’m real tired. I haven’t been feeling well lately, and the hike took a lot out of me. But I said I’d meet you at The Bowl within the eight and I didn’t want to let you down. So I pushed myself a little too hard. I’ve got a headache now. It’s pretty bad.
Nykia believed me. Instantly. Totally. She felt responsible, of course. I’d activated her guilt. Her pity. It worked to my benefit. It worked real well. She pushed me away at first, but only so she could quickly reposition. I watched her pull off her yellow cardigan and scrunch it into a bundle that she placed in her lap, then she slapped the makeshift pillow and gestured for me to lie down. I’ve never collapsed into something so willingly in my life.
Once I settled in, Nykia started doing something I couldn’t believe. She placed her fingers in my curls, and then she pressed down on my scalp. It felt good. So good. When I asked what she was doing, she said she was giving me a massage for my headache. The answer came out of her so plainly. So unassumingly. She really thought nothing of it. Sure, rubbing another Korainian’s head wasn’t automatically an intimate thing. My Mother sometimes patted my head, and rubbed my scalp - but coming from Nykia it hit the spot differently.
We didn’t talk much for the rest of that meet up. Mostly because I wasn’t capable of holding a conversation while I had my head in her lap. Nykia though, she seemed content with the lack of discussion. Every time I snuck a glance upwards, I found her gazing at the darkening sky. Totally absorbed by the stars - while I was totally absorbed by her. We even had matching wondrous expressions. It was a good night. A great one. Until I got home.
Mother was waiting for me, wearing that disappointed expression that made me feel like a failure of a son. I didn’t get it though. My Mother knew who I’d gone to see, and she approved of Nykia. I should’ve been able to guess what had her disgruntled - but since I’m not that good at reading women, I thought it better I wait for her to explain. Then, she finally did. Some woman had dialled the house, claiming to be my fling.
I instantly swore at the stars. Internally, of course. Blowhole of a Universe! For Uji’s sake! Mother of a suffering fisherman, why me! My compartmentalisation had backfired. Now it was trying to blow up my tidy plans. I couldn’t have that. Just seeing the way my Mother looked at me, I knew the messy situation gave the wrong idea. I didn’t dare imagine what Nykia would think - I was too scared of it becoming a reality.
I didn’t want that to happen, I needed help to make sure it wouldn’t, so I told Mother everything. Beginning to end. Including how I felt about Nykia. I even broke the first rule of wishing and admitted aloud that I really wanted her to be my Soulmate. Mother supported me - to my surprise she backed me. Especially about my feelings towards Nykia. Even when I brought up the fact my emotions were illegal, Mother waved her hand and dismissed my worries. It won’t be illegal in an eight, she shrugged.
Maybe Mother shouldn’t have said that. Either way, once I got her parental go-ahead all my guilt evaporated. Mother’s words were so sound I couldn’t help but take them in. Because it was true, Nykia was an eight from turning adult. In eight days, everything I felt for her, everything I imagined with her, by Korainian Law I could want it. So I realised, what I wanted wasn’t actually wrong. It was just a little - premature.  
That distance - an eight - it was nothing. Truth be told, I reckoned I’d already closed the distance earlier that night. Nykia didn’t seem bothered by my closeness, and why would she be? She was an eight away from her fifteenth. It was only a matter of time now. At this point, with how far I’d gone, with how close she had let me be, The Age Appropriate Law was redundant. Nykia was practically a woman, and I was already a man.
Mother advised me to dial up Emilia and make the not-a-fling thing clear. So I did. It surprised her, I think it even hurt her feelings, but she took it maturely. Emilia was a woman after all. She wasn’t dumb either, she knew what she was doing when she casually mentioned our juniors from school would be turning adult soon. I thought it was a little petty, but she did guess right. Still, I pretended like it wasn’t related. I even lied and said I’d forgotten. The lie was unconvincing, so I hung up pretty fast.
After that conversation with my Mother, and the clarification with Emilia - I felt free. Unburdened, totally. I was in the clear. I was finally ready to bathe in the glorious sun. But it was the 80th hour around then, which meant Nykia was already hibernating. I couldn’t dial her, and hear her laugh, and pretend as if I was besides her if she wasn’t even awake. But then, I realised. She didn’t need to be on the phone, describing everything she could see and how she was feeling, for me to imagine us together.
I swear to the stars it seemed like a harmless idea. Honestly. It started off harmless. I was lying in bed, the lights turned off, staring up at the white ceiling. Thinking of Nykia. I imagined where I’d been just a few hours earlier - on top of The Bowl’s mountainside, my head in her lap. As I breathed in, it was as if I could smell her yellow cardigan again. Then I remembered the skin on her neck. How that smelled. How I imagined it, tasted.
I was bold in my imagining. Way more bold than I had ever dared to be in real life. The images flashed in swift succession like a show broadcasting right into my head, and the show was some engrossing programming. In my mind, Nykia was content with it all. She let me sit upwards - put my lips to her neck. Kiss her. Even, lick her. I gulped at the thought. She wanted me. She said as much. Whispered it to me. Teo, I want you…
I took it too far. When I was done I had to close my blinds. I honestly felt like the stars were judging me through the window. I fell into hibernation feeling horrible. I woke up feeling worse. But before long, my Father called me down to some much needed break-fast. Mother was on her morning run, so it was just the two of us. At first he was being coy. But after he whacked a second omelette onto my plate he couldn’t stop his opinions escaping.
Apparently, he’d overheard me and Mother talking the previous night. To be fair we had known he was grilling out back with his new hob, but it was sneaky of him to open the garden doors so he could listen in. Anyway, he didn’t approve of Mother’s advice. Laws are Laws Teo - he lectured - don’t get any ideas. Yeah. Sorry Father, too late. He was right though. I hated to admit it, but the gross feeling I couldn’t wash off in the shower was proof. Boundaries. Distance. That stuff was necessary. Otherwise, it’s too easy to take advantage.
So I realised, seeing Nykia before she turned adult was a bad idea. To tell the truth, just thinking about her was a bad idea. Sure, The Age Appropriate Law wouldn’t even apply in an eight. But the reality was it still applied now. Maybe my imaginings weren’t technically illegal, but they were definitely on the verge of getting me into trouble. Even more, it wasn’t fair to Nykia. Just because I felt she was my soulmate, it didn’t mean she felt the same. Which meant it was wrong to pretend as if she’d already agreed to return my feelings.
I needed to be respectful of her wishes. Whatever they were. Even if she didn’t wish for me. Yeah, it sucked. It sucked. But that’s how it had to be. That’s what I’d promised. I would keep my distance. I would fight the pull. I would protect her, until she understood my desire. Until she was mature enough to reciprocate it. I would wait for her to want me before I ever revealed I wanted her - and if she never did, then, so be it.
But stars as my witness, if Nykia Nykia ever said she wanted me - I was diving in. Head first. She could have all of me that girl. Once she was a woman, if she asked for it, if she desired it, I’d let myself desire her. Honestly, it was scary. On both sides. If I waited for it to happen and it never did, I’d be crushed. But if my wish did come true, if she really did choose to test her luck with me - stars. I won’t even imagine.
For the next few days, Nykia dialled every evening. She was really getting nervous about her birth-day. I did my best to support her, to offer advice without any intimate motives. It was hard to suppress the emotion, but I certainly tried. I’d say I even mostly succeeded. My proudest moment was when she invited me to her final diving club showcase - and I turned her down. I didn’t need any more images of her swimsuit body lingering in my head. Yet, since she was really disappointed, I agreed to meet up with her afterwards as a compromise.
So when I woke up this morning, the only thing I had planned was meeting Nykia at The Bowl. One last time before she turned adult. When I finally saw her, perched on the edge of the rocks, staring into the sky as pink and orange hues washed her skin, I couldn’t stop the glaring sight from burning a bright memory into my mind. Still, when I sat down besides her - I left a respectful distance between us. But you can bet, I felt her pull the entire time.
We talked. About her last days of school. About her upcoming final exams. Stars, I even let her talk about Tedi - for now. Anyway, after a few hours, I started to noticed she hadn’t mentioned her upcoming adulthood. So clearly it was a sore topic for her. But if she didn’t want to talk about her coming of age, I wasn’t gonna push. Didn’t even remind her that it was my birth-day soon. And that was hard to resist because I really wanted that banner.
Conversation petered out, and we sat in silence. I think we were both alright with that. When Nykia started talking again, it was about something trivial. I was glad for it. She said her friend Della and her youngest sister had started training their catfish to jump through hoops. Nykia was unconvinced it would happen. I don’t know - I’d said - when you’ve got a reason, anything is possible. Then she’d looked my way and lifted her cheeks.
That’s when I thought to myself, does she know how she looks when she smiles like that? After thinking back on everything, it’s definitely a no. Still, even though she has no idea the reason why, I’ll keep on. Wishing for a possibility. Jumping through hoops. Because she’s all I have to look forwards to - even if looking ahead has me on the verge of a Law break. Because I won’t stop. I won’t quit. Even if I’m waiting forever for my chance.

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